Things I Will Never Understand, Part II

I thought twice about publishing this post. I didn't want to be a "Debbie Downer."  Afterall, my last post was about the death of my daughter's coach.  That's enough drama and trauma for the week.

 

And then life reminded me that we don't get to control many of the things that happen to us; that good news and bad news will continue to unfold with each passing day, whether you're ready for it or not. Yep, that's what I was reminded of when I received an email from a friend last night.  And I felt compelled to share it with you, my other mama friends and readers.  Because in it lies not only a safety lesson, but a reminder about what's truly important.  I promise that the next post will be something bright and cheery, maybe a giveaway.  But in the meantime, that email has wrapped itself heavily around my heart, and I thought about it off and on all day today.  I'm sure it was much worse for my friend.

 

We've all done it, including me. Lay the baby on our bed to sleep, because it's cooler, quieter, or just more convenient.  Or we're at a friend's house and that's the only place to put him down for a nap.  And there's no way we're going to let him skip that nap.  We place some pillows around him so he won't roll off.  We check on him periodically. We're aware of the risks of doing so, pushed to the back of our mind.  But, we move on to worry about other safety concerns, like reactions to vaccines, or new daycares, or the stupid swine flu.  We've all done it, and we were lucky.  My friend's co-worker was not.

 

Like I said, I received an email from this friend last night.  She had titled it, "Terrible, terrible day."  That's an understatement.  She told a group of us moms about the experience she personally just had with a co-worker, whose baby had been put down on a bed for a nap.  With her permission, I've posted her story below.  If you're moved to comment on this post, feel free to also comment directly to my friend, Stacy, who witnessed the mother's trauma.  She's a loyal reader, and she'll see it. As much as I won't even let myself imagine being the co-worker that this happened to, I also can't imagine being in Stacy's shoes, the person standing next to her while the drama unfolds. 

 

And when you're done,  give your baby an extra kiss and hug today, so thankful for that moment.  

 

This morning, shortly after I arrived at work, I chit chatted with a few co-workers and settled in to my work.  Just before 10 a.m., I could hear my co-worker on the phone in her office.  I initially thought that she was having a fun and lively conversation with someone, until I heard her say "Just tell me what happened to my baby".  I went in to her office to find out if everything was okay and I could see that she was shaken up.  She received a call from someone (I'm not sure if it was her grandmother or her neighbor) informing her that something had happened to the baby and that she needed to come home right away.  They wouldn't tell her what happened but they said they would come to pick her up.  I volunteered to drive her home instead.  She was in no condition to drive.

 

As we drove, she tried again to find out what happened to her son, but was only told that he was taken away in an ambulance and that we should go directly to the hospital. As we are driving from Century City to Sun Valley, I'm rolling through stop signs in Beverly Hills and tailgating people on the Canyon, trying to get her to her baby.  She called the hospital and they wouldn't tell her anything, they just asked how long it would take her to get there.    She called home one more time and realized that her mom and grandmother were both still at the house, so who went to the hospital with the baby?  Oh, and there are police officers at the house.  The whole time, I'm trying to reassure her that everything is going to be alright, and I believe that it will.

 

When we arrive to the hospital, I drop her off outside of the ER, where her neighbors are waiting to take her in.  I asked her if she wanted me to stay and she said yes.  I found a parking space right away and by the time I got into the ER, she was in a room that I couldn't go in.  I couldn't go in the room, but I could hear her and I knew what happened.  The anguish in her voice was clear.  Her baby was gone.  She was (understandably) hysterical.  Her five month old son, her only child had died.  Her neighbor stepped out and explained to me what happened:  Her mom keeps the baby everyday.  This morning, she went into the room where the baby was sleeping on the bed and couldn't find the baby.  She panicked and thought that the baby had been taken.  The screams from her and the grandmother brought the neighbors over and they searched for the baby.  At some point the paramedics were called, when they arrived, they found the baby under the bed.  Apparently the baby must have rolled and slipped down between the bed and the wall.  He suffocated.  The neighbor said that they had been looking for the baby for about 20 minutes and he was already blue when they found him.  Though the paramedics tried CPR and took him the hospital (where they also tried to resucitate), the doctor later informed her that he was probably gone long before he reached the hospital. 

 

I was eventually able to get into the room with her, and just sit with her and hold her and listen to her.  Only her neighbors were at the hospital because the mother and grandmother had to stay at the "crime scene" and be questioned by the police.  She wanted to see her baby, but because she was so emotional, they wanted to wait for a family member to arrive.  We convinced her to calm down so that she could see her baby and she did.  We entered the room where her baby lay.  In the room was a priest and a police officer and the body of her lifeless, five month old son.  If he didn't have the tube in his mouth, I would have thought he was just sleeping.  In fact, I was hoping with all of my might that it was just a mistake and that he was sleeping...but he wasn't. 

 

How do you comfort a mother that has just lost her only child???  He was only five months old.  We were in the office yesterday talking about what his Halloween costume was going to be.  This is unimaginable, but of course I'm thinking as I'm standing there, what if that were me?  What if my child's lifeless body were laying on that table?  How can you not think that?  He was five months old!!!  It's not fair!  Not only has she lost her child, but her mother was responsible for him at the time.  How is that going to affect their relationship?  In the car on the way, when she only had part of the story, she was asking why her mom didn't have the baby in the playpen?  When she was at the hospital, she apologized to her baby for not being there.  It was so heartbreaking and emotionally draining for me, so I cannot even begin to imagine her pain. 

 

So, I stayed with her for a couple of hours, until the baby's father and grandparents (from the father's side) arrived.  I left with such a heavy heart and am still feeling pain for her loss.  It's just not fair. 

 

 

 

Here's a great resource that another friend recommended, should you or someone you know need it:  http://www.blogher.com/how-be-there-when-someones-child-dies-part-i-first-days

 

 

Comments

[melissa]

oh my. my heart is so heavy for this poor woman and her family.
and yes, you're right. i can't even count how many time i've just laid my child down, when they were babies, on a bed. and how lucky i am, in retrospect, that they are still here.

[Renee]

Oh this is so horrible. My heart is breaking for this woman and for Stacy. Please give my condolences to the mother. The family is in my thoughts and prayers. How tragic.

[Liz]

wow... I don't know what to say. I really don't. Just heartbreaking.

[Jenn]

I'm bawling,I just can't imagine what that poor woman is going through .

[Melissa Multitasking Mama]

Oh sweet Lord please be with that family! What a tragedy...please make sure the mom is put in touch with a local hospice for free grief counseling and support!

[Emily]

I am so sorry. Please know that we join your hearts in sorrow and prayer. This will be a time that is difficult for all involved to endure. I pray that these parents and their family and friends take time to grieve and that they are comforted.

Darkness: http://readytowait.com/journal/2009/9/30/darkness.html

[Yolanda Jamison]

You know this story is so horrific is sounds made up, but I know it isn't. I'm sure there are no words to comfort the parents. When I hear of horrible things happening to kids, that's when I know there truly has to be a God. How else could the parents get through it. I rarely understand God's plan but I do know he always has one and God will help you heal. I pray for strength, peace and comfort for the parents.

[Jacki]

There are just no words... so this is it. That's my comment. I can barely see what I'm typing with the tears streaming down my face.

[Loukia]

That is absolutely terrifying, horrific, beyond sad and unbelievable. My heart is bleeding for this mom and baby like you would not believe.

[Rebecca]

Dear Stacy
My heartfelt prayers are out to you and your family right now. I literally have tears streaming down my cheeks in agony and pain for you. My heart is hurting and even as I type, I well up even more just thinking about your horrible loss. I can not imagine the feelings and emotions (even as a mom myself) you are going through right now and will most likely continue to go through for the rest of your life...although, unless it happens to me, I will never fully understand. I am truly sorry for you, I wish that there was something that I (or anyone) could do to make this right. I do not even know you, but you are in my thoughts and prayers tonight. I wish you the best.
Sincerely, Rebecca

[Rebecca]

i just realized that i made this to stacy as though she was the one who lost her baby...my mistake. i still have the same things to say, but stacy, please let your co worker/friend know we are all thinking of her.

[Stacy]

Thank you everyone for your comments. When she is ready, I will share your comments with my co-worker/friend. Until then, I thank you for her. Thank you for your prayers and your kind words.

Stacy

[Erin]

I am in tears right now, and if it weren't for the fact that it would destroy all the recent progress my son has made in kindergarten I would probably drive straight over to my kids' school and interrupt their classes to hug them both!
These are the types of events that make a mom not want to leave her children with anyone!

Stacy - you are a wonderful friend to stay and support the mom! The unbelievable grief she is feeling, and will continue to feel, is unimaginable. And I cannot imagine how the grandmother is feeling either. This is a tragedy that nobody should ever have to suffer - regardless of the cause or people involved. The whole family will need counseling to get through this, and I can only hope that this story will be shared among friends so that no other family should ever suffer this way! Stacy, although it was difficult - thank you for sharing!

To Stacy's friend, no words or condolences could ever alleviate the pain and grief that you are going through at this time. So I don't want to say something to belittle your feelings. Please know that it may be little comfort now, but there are many people reading this blog that are sending prayers your way!

[clenna in NH]

I'm so so sorry for this woman and the grandmother. There can not be any words to help either of them. Just know that others feel the terrible injustice of it all - again I am so very sorry.

[Lori A.]

I can't stop crying over this...I am so sorry to hear about it. My prayers are with the family!! I pray that the Lord will wrap his arms around them all and help them through this.

[Rita A]

Sometimes we will never know the answers. We feel, we cry, we become stronger eventually. God needs little angels to play with the other children in his pain free playground. My thoughts are with the family.

[Jenean]

There are no words to express my feelings on this...instead I am just holding my soon-to-be 2 year old twins real close to my heart. Our children are very precious and the difficulty finding "help" when you are a working mom or SAHM is so tough that I just pray the woman and her mother are able heal together in the memory of her son. May GOD send Stacy and this family comfort at this time.

[Teresha@ Marlie and Me]

I thank you for sharing this cautionary tale.

Stacy:please relay all of our condolences to the family. I don't there are words that can comfort a parent when they lose a child, especially when it could have been prevented. I pray for their emotional healing.

[Allison]

Oh God, I'm crying as I read this. I can't imagine anything more horrible than losing a child. I hope that Stacy and her family have the comfort and support that they need during this time.

[Mom]

I was feeling overly frustrated with my baby girls who have been just a bit too whiny today.

Now I'm feeling overly thankful that they are here to be whiny.

Thank you for sharing this.

Stacey, you are a true blessing to this woman. God put you in her life to hold her hand at her darkest hour. Cherish that, though it brought you your own anxiety and grief.

[Laura DeLuca]

I had a similiar situation at my office a few years back. I worked with the grandmother and the mother, who was only 16, had left the baby alone on the bed for only a few minutes. She had also left a glass of water on the floor next to the bed. The baby rolled off, fell onto the glass, and slit his throat. That was the worst funeral I ever had to attend. My heart goes out to the mother of this baby and to the grandmother. Very sad for a life to be cut so dramitically short.

[Rebecca]

I am so sorry. Thank you, though, for sharing. Because this is something I have done several times. Never again.

[Stacy]

Thanks again for all of the lovely comments, encouragement and prayers. When she is ready, I will direct my friend to this blog so that she can read all of these supportive comments (or maybe I'll copy and paste all of the comments for her to read so she doesn't have to relive this awful incident by reading my recounting of what happpened). God Bless you all (and your families).

Stacy

[Corey~ living and loving]

WOW! I'm here from SITS, and your post is powerful. YOu are so very right. so many of us do little things that COULD be unsafe, but our belief that things will be okay, lets us do it. Thank you for sharing this important and heart breaking story.

[Trisha]

So, so sad. My heart is heavy from reading this post. It does seem unreal but it is someone's reality. There are no words to express how this mom must be feeling and the pain she and her family are enduring. I lift them up in prayer during this truly challenging time.