Keep Your Mouth Shut

Heed these important words as you enroll your child in sports this year: Keep your big mouth shut. It may seem a bit harsh, but that's the most direct way I can convey my message, and hopefully save a parent's honor and self-respect...and maybe even their two front teeth.

 

Back to school also means back to the world of kid sports. Like many of us, this school year you will enroll your kid in soccer, track, softball, or maybe all of them, because he's "a natural athlete," you want to get him away from video games, or you're simply living vicariously through him and praying he doesn't suck at basketball the way you did. You're filled with anticipation and excitement. You can't wait to take his photo when he scores a goal and is MVP for the season. You plan to invite all the relatives so he has his own cheering squad. And you finally get to fulfill your dreams of being "team mom," making sure to cut up those orange slices just so. OH! There's also that little thing called sportsmanship that you hope he learns, because that victory dance he does during family game night is really annoying.

 

Those of you entering the kids sports world for the first time, I'll let you hold on to your delusion dreams.  Those of us who have been indoctrinated already, know this much to be true: as undeniably thrilling as the games are (I have NEVER screamed as loud as I do at my daughter's games, even during childbirth), and as overwhelming as our pride is in the moment of victory ("that's MY girl!"), it is the PARENTS at these sporting events who need the lesson in sportsmanship more than the kids.

 

There are two incidents that I personally experienced which will illustrate my point, and justify my rather abrasive advice to keep your mouth shut.

 

My daughter was running track, and a member of the relay team (4 runners, each person runs 100 meters, pass the baton, done). Man, I LOVE watching relay, holding my breath when they pass the baton, hoping no one drops it (and if they do, hoping it's not my kid). So, my daughter's relay team is racing against a team that they should cream, at least based on their previously recorded times. But, they don't. One of the coaches asked out loud, to no one in particular, "what happened?!" I'm wondering the same thing, but I also know that my kid did great in her leg of the race. Yes, I'm biased, but this happens to be a fact. You'll have to take my word on it. And I know that something happened between the first and second runners of our relay, because our team was already far behind when my daughter got the baton.

 

Unfortunately, one of the dads on the team interpreted my daughter's exceptional speed and contributions a little differently. He responded to the coach, in clear eyeshot and earshot of yours truly, "I'll tell you what happened..." He proceeds to point in the direction of  where my kid runs the race, makes some crazy face and a stutter-step move, kinda like running in place. "That's what happened!" He had, in that very instant, blamed my child, insinuating that she took off too slowly.

 

Tick-tock. Tick-tock. That's time moving in slow motion. You know how it is when you want to convince yourself that you didn't just hear what you heard, or see what you saw? I really tried to convince myself that I was mistaken about this dad blaming my kid for the relay team's loss, because I know that I will hold a grudge forEVER (something I need to work on, except I'm not). But, just like the relay team that day, I failed. The blood rushed to my head. My heart started beating fast. Somebody made mama bear mad.  

 

A bit dramatic just because of an ignorant comment from someone I didn't know? Perhaps. But, I'm very competitive, and I'm fiercely protective of my kids' honor and reputation. Even if it shouldn't have meant anything to me, you know - not caring what anyone else thinks, blah, blah - I got more angry when I thought of him repeating his statements of blame to other parents. If I were a woman of any less grace and dignity, there may have been a confrontation. Like the kind you've seen on tv repeatedly, of parents brawling at a game while the kids stand by and cry. Pathetic. However, based on some of the stuff I've heard, I get it now. I wouldn't do it, but I get it. Instead I chose to seethe internally, until finally the coach yelled out for all to hear, "Nina, did you see what happened?! The other team ran into our lane, and our first leg runner almost fell!" Ha! Take THAT, Mister! NOT my kid's fault. I have been VINDICATED! Sit down and shut up! OK, I'll stop.

 

This is why I say we should keep our mouths shut. You never know who is listening, who is watching, and who is reading your lips, when you talk about someone else's kid on the field. That person sitting behind you in the bleachers could be their grandparent. A very protective, still agile, retired karate champion grandparent.

 

The second experience still troubles me. Basically, a little boy lost his competition, and his parents ignored him because of it. He wasn't perfect, he didn't win, and I guess that was unacceptable. It broke my heart to witness. It troubled the other parents who witnessed it as well. He was crying and no one consoled him. I wanted to give him a hug. So, I did. However, I doubt that it did anything to remove the sting of his parents' rejection. I'm sure it will happen again, and I wish I could take that pain away, and let him know he deserves to be loved unconditionally.

 

So, in addition to keeping our mouths shut, we should also step away if we can't handle our child's failure because of our own deep-seated issues. Step away, be disappointed, then get a freakin' grip and come back and high-five your kid for his effort. Don't even tell him what he could have done differently to be better, faster, or to win. He probably already knows. And if he doesn't, surely that lecture can wait.

 

I thought I knew a lot about human behavior when I studied to become a clinical psychologist. I know a lot more now that I'm a sports mom.

 

 

Comments

[Courtney]

Great post! My daughter isn't sports age yet, but I totally relate with someone making a stupid comment and "making mama bear mad". You feel so thoroughly furious that someone would speak ill of your child and it's so overwhelming! I know it takes me every last bit of the maturity I've gained through my life to avoid a confrontation, too. It always bears repeating that you'll never regret being the bigger person!

[Erin]

Okay, you and I are so alike! I wanted to come over to your house and tell me who this guy was that was blaming Z for the race! I'm the same way about protecting my kids! I protect my own, and my friends' own too!
People do need to keep their mouths shut, or at least realize that they could be misunderstood if they are not heard by all (or at least some to prevent the grade school - he said, she said arguments!) but I also know that I personally need to not jump to the wrong conclusions when I'm assuming that someone is doing wrong by my kids! Still working on that one!
But we live and learn, and hopefully we teach our children from our own experiences!
Now as far as that second experience...I'd like to see that child's parents put on the spot for being failures at being supportive, encouraging parents - see how they like it! (Still working on my maturity!) I would've hugged him too, or at least told him that he made a great effort...sadly, you are probably right in that it won't relieve the sting. Even more disturbing - the parents probably see that there is nothing wrong in how they acted!

[Michelle]

Oh amen. I'm still waiting for our area to instill a parents sportsmanship pledge or STAY AWAY FROM THE GAME. And ... still waiting. Fortunately, at the age of 5, parents aren't SO bad, but I can hear it from the slightly older fields. What part about "fun" did they all miss?

[Eva Gallant]

great post; too true!

just stopped by from SITS to say hi; hope you'll do the same.

[Robin]

Great post! Welcome to the world of being a sports mom! It gets worse the older they get. Not quite sure why every parent thinks their child is destined for MLS, The NHL, NBA, NBL & NFL rather than just enjoying the fact that their child wants to participate & do their absolute best!

[Stacy]

I would have tripped dude. Or spilled a soda on him. Or something. I haven't reached the point yet in my therapy where I can be the bigger person. Congratulations to you, Nina, for being that bigger person! LOL!! Me...I think a swift kick to the shin would have taught him a thing or two about keeping his mouth shut! LOL!!

[Tamara B.]

I really can relate. I have to really bite my tongue when dealing with other parents or coaches.

[rachel0]

That's great that you were able to stay silent and especially have the coach vindicate your baby. I don't think I could do the same. I have learned to keep my mouth shut otherwise though. When my son first started swimming as a baby, I heard this other set of parents in the parents' observation pool. They were just plain nasty--everything from boasting about their own "superstar" to criticizing other kids (including their own younger child). Everyone talked about them when they left. Not only did I not want to be the parents other parents made snide remarks about, I really don't want to be someone that put down their one of their own children or ever made him feel like he wasnt good enough!

[Juile]

At some of the sporting events that I have attended, I have been so tempted to go over to a loudmouthed jerk (parent) and tell them off. It just ticks me off when parents feel that they have to treat their kids in such a mean way instead of encouraging them.