Sleepover Success

My Memorial weekend was filled with multiple barbeques (hotdog hangovers are real), an out-of-town guest, Lakers games (shut up), hosting a poker party, and the best and biggest highlight of all: my almost-eight-year old made it through her first sleepover. Let me repeat that - SHE MADE IT THROUGH HER FIRST SLEEPOVER at someone else's house! I can't even tell you how HUGE this is, how absolutely freakin' tickled I am - and not only because there will be more sleepovers in the future, and a break for Mom and Dad. You see, it felt like my kid was the LAST one of her classmates and friends to complete this "rite of passage." Most of her girlfriends have had sleepovers for the past couple of years. And sure, they started off rocky, with tears and fears and calls home at 3am to be picked up (I admit that hearing these moms' stories made me feel much better). But, after some consoling (and maybe even a little bribing), most girls started making it through the night by 2nd grade. The hard part was no longer getting them to stay overnight, it was trying to get them to leave the next morning. 

 

My kid, however, was having none of it. We hosted sleepovers at our house. She stayed overnight at Granny's countless times. But, no matter how close she felt to her friend, or how well she knew the parents, or how often she'd been to their place for a playdate, she simply wasn't ready for that extended stay. This didn't surprise us, because she's very sensitive to change, and more inhibited than many of her friends. The same qualities we love about her, and make her the brilliant, introspective, cautious kid that she is, can also be frustrating at times.  It was definitely MY issue. I didn't want her missing out on slumber party fun. I didn't want her to not be invited. I didn't want her to be the crybaby. I struggled with this for a while. She's so advanced academically; I wanted her social skills to shine as well. And then...it just became OK. OK for her to not be ready. OK for her to be the only one at the slumber party to pack it up to go home by 10pm, leaving her friends to scream and giggle until the wee hours. OK for her to do it in her own time. Evidently that time of emotional readiness was just a few days short of her eighth birthday.

 

This past weekend, she was invited to her best friend's house, and jumped at the chance for a sleepover. She was so excited, and counted down the days and hours. Whatever. I wasn't fooled. She'd agreed to it before, and I expected that once again I would my husband would be picking her up. And it didn't bother me a bit. I even warned the mom that this was very likely to happen. So, let me just quickly paint a picture of the evening of the sleepover, because I think you'll find my ridiculousness to be quite amusing...remember I said I didn't care if she had to be picked up, and I anticipated this. Then why was I making myself nuts?!  My kid's a bit nervous when I drop her off, but I distract her with some random comment about macaroni and cheese. I return home, and I'm busy helping my husband prepare for his poker party, so I'm not obsessing about whether my daughter will make it, yet. At about 9:30pm, my own anxiety starts to set in. Is the phone going to ring? When's the phone going to ring? Where is the phone?  I know, I'll order "Bride Wars" on cable so I won't think about it. Better make sure the phone is right next to me. I have to use the bathroom - gotta take the phone with me. Maybe I should call over there. I want to call over there. But, what if she suspects it's me - that could risk it all.

 

Finally, by midnight, I'm actually thinking that this sleepover is going to be a success. And I'm so excited. By the morning, I'm elated, and proud, and can't wait to call her grandparents. My baby girl did it. She did it! She didn't miss us. She didn't cry. She had fun, and felt safe and secure. She did it in her own time. And I learned a little bit about letting her do just that. It was tremendous for her self-confidence. It was wonderful for my confidence in her. Oh, and next time, I will NOT forget her toothbrush - eh!

 

What's been your experience with sleepovers? Is your child ready? Are you ready?

 

Check out this online parenting article I found, that lists just some of the advantages of sleepovers for our children's development.

 

The Right Age for a Sleepover

by Ronit Baras

 

 

Here are just some of the advantages of sleepovers:

1. A sleepover requires flexibility. Kids are forced to leave their comfort zone and take themselves into new territory, into the unknown. With Mom and Dad knowing the host family, a sleepover can teach the kids that they can take that risk and survive it.
2. A sleepover allows kids to examine the differences between their family and the host family. Yes, it includes the risk of them finding advantages in the host family and faults in their own family, but it is a great opportunity to show them different ways of living and to talk about the choices you have made as parents in running your family. Such talks will actually increase the bond between you and your kids.
3. A sleepover is a good way for kids to experience change. This is why most kids prefer to have the sleepover somewhere else, rather than invite their friends to their own house. My daughter made this point very clear when she was only 3 years old. She said, "I want to go to Ellie's house. I can play with MY toys anytime". Change is something kids need from time to time and a sleepover provides plenty of change.
4. The younger the kids are, the more opportunities they need to stay away from their parents and still feel safe. Sleepovers are good opportunities enhance their social skills and independence. They go into a new house with a different set of rules and boundaries and they must learn to sense what those are and to get along - and most of the time they do. If, for any reason, you are called to pick them up because they miss home too much or the rules of the host family are too unfamiliar, do not be discouraged - this is just a sign they are not yet ready. Wait a month and try again.
5. Inviting friends to sleepover can teach your kids to share their toys, their bed and even their mom and dad's attention. The younger the kids, the harder it is for them to share, but if they do like to invite friendsto sleep over, it is a sign that they are confident with mom and dad's attention and are not afraid to share it.
6. When parents allow their kids to sleepover at friends' houses, they actually let go of some control that they have over their children's life. This is not an easy task and the younger the kids, the harder it is to let go. In many ways, a kid's sleepover is a chance for parents to develop emotionally too. If you are concerned, make sure you talk to the friend's parents and if you want to build your confidence, first invite the parents with the child for a couple of play sessions to allow yourself to get to know their family better.
7. A huge advantage for parents is a change in the atmosphere at home. When one family member is missing, the house is quiet and different. It can give you both an opportunity to do things differently and to give each other or other family members a bit more attention.
8. I think the amazing thing is that whenever kids go to other houses, they are angels. In truth, because they are not aware of the other parent's weaknesses and because they are too busy making the best of it, they use their best manners and are on their best behavior (otherwise they might not be invited anymore). When you pick up your kids from a sleepover and you hear how wonderful they were, you can learn where your own weaknesses are. I usually use the opportunity to reinforce my kid's good behavior by telling her, "I know that you know how to behave well. Ellie's mom told me you were wonderful".

Read the entire article by Ronit Baras, including tips for making a sleepover work, by clicking here.

 

Comments

[Stacy]

Yay Zo!! I will say that her hesitation for sleeping over would work out well for the mommy that was hosting the slumber party because they might get the pleasure of your company for most of the night! (I speak, of course, from experience) Gotta love that!

Your baby's growing up. Prom is next! LOL!

[Stacy]

Oh, and Taylor's never had an issue with spending the night at someone's house because since she was a baby, she's been spending every other weekend with her dad. I think that helped her get used to not sleeping in her own home. She's also stayed with sitters for overnight visits since she was too young to protest! :-) The problem that we have now, is that as a mom that's working full time, outside of home, I haven't been able to connect with (become friends with) her schoolmates parents. As a result, I won't let her spend the night at their homes. I only allow to her to stay overnight with people that I already know. It works in reverse too, if I don't know the child or their parents, I don't let them spend the night with us (because I need to know what to expect, in terms of behavior).

[Trisha]

Congrats on your baby girl's developmental milestone! "In her own time" - I needed to read this and be reminded that we all do things when we're ready. I have been so challenged with the stark differences between my two children, and the truth is the first one spoiled me with her level of independence from very young. Now, my little guy is so needing of my time, I tend to struggle with it at times and need to remember that he truly is a different kind of child with different needs. Thanks again for the reminder and for sharing your story!

[Carrie Anne]

I feel your anxiety. When my daughter (7) went to her first sleepaway camp for Sparks I was a nervous wreck:
http://cabadov.wordpress.com/2009/05/04/dont-know-if-im-ready-for-camp/

We haven't encountered the sleepover issue yet, but I'm sure I'll be just as anxious as you were.

Congrats to you both for making it through this big step.

[Kim]

What an amazing moment for both mommy and daughter. I am curious if there is a difference between boys and girls when it comes to sleepovers. I think my four year old girl would jump at the chance for a sleepover right now but my son who's eight, I'm just not so sure. Maybe I'll try and arrange something this summer and see how it goes. Here's to many more sleepovers to come.

[Gideon]

That was really nice info.
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